When Brad Pitt Dissappoints me, my heart hurts.

I love Brad Pitt with all of my heart, body, and soul. All of my being and everything that I am is in love with his chiseled jaw and washboard abs

but do you want to know what I love EVEN MORE than heart-throb ,do-it-machine Brad Pitt

Never having to see the movie Troy again for the rest of my life.

I have been dick-crazy obsessed with Brad Pitt ever since I bought Legends of the fall from the $5 DVD bin at Walmart last month. So, what have I been doing for the last 4 weeks?

buying every Brad Pitt movie that exists in our universe… including the epic shitfest: TROY

MAYBE if you are one of the many americans who suffers from a combination of blindness, deafness, and slight retardation- I recommend that you go to your local Blockbuster and rent Troy. ….otherwise save your seven dollars and do something equally entertaining .. such as changing all the lightbulbs in your house and waiting for them to burn out

I guess you can’t win them all.

But if you can sit through the 5 all star celebrities putting on phony english accents for the first 3 and 1/2 hours .. the sex scene is so hot it will make your nipples swell up and fall off.

Pretty and Witty and Gay.

“That’s right, George Bush. We refuse to let your puckered conservative stink-hole stop us from arguing about curtains and organic dogfood brands.”

Lesbo-knot tied.

TV lesbians kissing to a catchy pop tune.

TV femme-bots having same-sex romance.

Emotional satisfaction without a shot of Wild Turkey and your bat-shit crazy ex-girlfriend

Pineapple express is a glorious gift from heaven

Pineapple Express is going to make you laugh, cry, and then shit all over your panties because of all the laughing and crying you will be doing.

Now, this movie may not even be very good. I couldn’t tell you with certainty that it will change your life because I have never seen it. BUT I can telll you that I, along with 7 to 8 other very trustworthy people, believe that Judd Apatow is god and everything he makes is like a precious golden Pagasus.

WATCH THE TRAILER NOW

AND THEN SPEND 15% OF YOUR PAYCHECK ON A TICKET FOR TONIGHT’S 7 O’CLOCK SHOWING.

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Before there was Brangelina there was Tristen Ludlow.

Before there was Brangelina,

There was dirty, rugged Tristen Ludlow and a curly haired brunette.

Crazed youtube fanatic, Ljay211986 remembers just as well as I do. So celebrate Monday by watching Brad Pitt hump away at Susannah’s virgin pocket. I am sure that Ljay211986 sync’d up the naked fun to a good-old fashioned Celine Dion tune that will naturally distract and confuse you so you might want to turn down the volume.

Hottest Man-Babes of the 1990’s

I’m not one for grotesque man flesh but give me A.C. Slater in a hypercolor muscle shirt and I will vomit from the excitement.

Without further adeu,

MY FAVORITE 90′S BEEFCAKES:

10. “WHEN I TALK TO LAURA SHE CREAMS IN HER PANTIES BECAUSE I AM JUST SO DAMNED SMOOTH. “

STEFAN URQUELLE

9. “WE DON’T POUND EACH OTHER’S BUTTHOLES WE JUST LIKE TO WORK OUT A LOT AND WATCH SPORTS IN BETWEEN TEARIN’ UP THE PUSSY, OF COURSE”

A.C. SLATER

AND OUR FAVORITE PREPPY BED-WETTER,

ZACK MORRIS

8.”MY COCK IS THE SIZE OF A FUCKING KEILBASA AND I DEFINITELY WANT TO BANG YOU WITH IT”

MARKY MARK

7. DUMB-AS-A-ROCK

JOEY LAWRENCE

6. OUR VERY OWN LOW-RENT BATMAN..

ANGEL

5. SEXY SCIENTIST TYPE AND RESIDENT SOFT-SPOKEN GENTLEMAN

DR. SAM BECKET

4. THE BIGGEST AND THE BEST OF ALL MOTORCYCLE DRIVING, 40-YEAR-OLD HIGHSCHOOL STUDENTS

LUKE PERRY.

3. “MY VEST IS ALWAYS OPEN AND 40 YEAR OLD BITCHES LOVE THAT SHIT”

HERCULES

2. ALL THE WAY FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS,

PACEY WITTER

and finally our #1 tortured, ” I secretly never learned how to read and my home life is dog shit” 90’s babe……

JORDAN CATALLANO

Ban Samro and Lohan from the Lesbian Community.

IF YOU SEE THESE SCISSOR SISTERS:

SHOW NO MERCY.

“Dear everyone that exists,

I am Lindsay Lohan, the new American Lesbian Icon. At any given moment you can find me vomiting in a taco bell parking lot, threatening to shank hood’ rats, or taking it up my poop poop for just a little bit of smack. Young girls look up to me and they think that I am the definition of 5 things

1. Cool

2. hot

3. woman

4. important

5. lesbian

If I don’t die suddenly, 2008’s generation of 9-16 year old girls will emulate my every move and continue to believe that I represent everything listed above. Please take action and kill me in my sleep.

p.s. I literally wear 19 bracelets on my right forearm at all times and I just thought I’d bring it up because it’s incredibley f#cktarded.”

Do your part, vigilantes.